Purpose Through Pain

The desert makes you face yourself.

This lifestyle in general does, but this was next level for me.

It was like being forced to look in the mirror.

My thoughts, emotions, strengths, and weaknesses.

My mental endurance.

Habitual patterns.

Everything holding me back.

It’s tough to make yourself look.

It’s tougher to not cringe and turn away from the worst parts of you.

In our normal lives we have plenty to distract ourselves from ever having to do this.

But not out there.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a choice.

I didn't have to be there.

I could turn my car on and blast the AC.

I could drive back to town, get a hotel room, and scroll through my phone instead.

But I didn’t do either of those things.

I felt that there was something here for me.

This was a place of healing that I hadn’t experienced yet.

And I was going to.

Within an hour I wanted to leave.

I felt like I could crawl out of my own skin.

It was hot.

It was silent, except the rustle of the occasional breeze through the tall grass, so warm that it was like a giant, invisible being heavy-breathing across the land.

It wasn’t particularly anything interesting to look at.

Not a lot going on.

No distractions.

My discomfort grew.

I was procrastinating.

2 hours in and I knew I couldn’t keep doing this.

I had to go there.

To the place I was avoiding.

Within.

Before I knew it, I was scribbling in my journal “who am I?”.

I had answers, too.

Answers I hated.

But also answers that I was proud of.

I made myself look at it all.

I dug way down to the roots.

And in the end discovered that none of it was all that terrible or hard to love.

By that evening I felt happiness, while watching a storm make its way across the open land before me.

A spectacular display of lightening flashing vein-like through the dark clouds.

It wasn't bubbling, heart-bursting joy.

But a deep contentedness and peace.

I am here.

And there’s a reason.

Even when being here hurts.

Even when nothing makes sense.

Even when all I can seem to feel is sadness, longing, missing.

I am here.

And there’s so much I can do with that.

With this life.

I urge you to look.

Face yourself.

Face it until you find love, meaning, and purpose for every part of you.

Look at who you are and then look at the opportunity you have just by being alive, right now.

It was decided by someone, somewhere (insert religious/spiritual beliefs here) that the world needed one of you.

You are here.

What will you do with it?

With love,

Me, Mats, & Duke