Forks, WA
First and foremost, I don’t know what I’m doing.
I don’t know where I’m going.
Loosely, yes.
But mostly, I wake up every morning and follow the invisible pull I’ve been feeling since I started this trip.
I know Mats is behind it.
A lot of the time I’m stressed and anxious.
This way of life is not conventional.
I don’t know how I’m going to fit this list of places into a couple months.
I don’t know how I’m going to do all that I feel I need to do.
I don’t know how I’m going to heal through this grief.
I very much don’t know how I’m going to live the rest of this life without him here.
The list goes on and all I can do is bring myself out of my head and into the present.
It’s work.
But in the midst of it all, there are small moments of joy, inspiration, purpose, and a reason to be here.
And that’s the whole point of this trip.
As much as this is to honor us both, I also started this journey looking.
Maybe subconsciously looking for him - I still haven’t processed the fact that he’s not out there in the world somewhere.
But definitely searching for a certain feeling, or feelings.
Purpose. Excitement. Wonder. Amazement.
I’m not out here just for “let’s quit my job and go on a road trip” fun.
I’m here because I was starting to not care anymore.
I was struggling to be in my life.
I was struggling to see all that there is around me and believe in what could be waiting around the corner.
I had come to a place of “what’s the point?”.
And that was a big problem.
I’m here because I needed a way to keep going after this earth-shattering tragedy.
I am finding it. Slowly. But it’s there.
When you get the tiniest glimpse of a happy, healthy life with someone and then it’s gone in an instant, it’s really hard to come back. It’s not necessarily hard to believe you can’t have it again, but it’s extremely hard to WANT it again.
Mats made everything fun, and meaningful, and magical.
And then he was gone.
The emptiness that brings is inexplainable.
This life seems hollow without him in it.
But I want it to feel full again.
I want to see as much as I can.
I want to see that there is beauty, wonder, and inspiration outside of what he made me feel.
When someone who brings all of that out in the world is suddenly gone, it’s hard to believe those things can still exist.
I’m dedicated to finding them.
I’m finding reasons I need to still be here.
I’m finding beauty in a world where I never thought it would exist again, because he does not.
And in alot of ways, he’s making sure of it.
He’s doing all that he can to show me pieces of him every day.
He’s still here in some way.
I know the things that are him.
Today I saw huge, ancient, grandfather trees and mossy forests and it made me feel alive.
I stood, minuscule, in a place that reminded me that I am part of something bigger than myself.
That there is reason and purpose, even if I don’t understand it yet.
These trees just lived, grew, and years later made me feel my own soul.
Mats just lived - as entirely himself - and made me feel everything.
So maybe I just live, the best that I can.
And maybe someone out there who needs my words finds this.
That is why I’m here.
With love,
Me, Mats, & Duke
Comments